TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically noted for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully outside of place. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But yes, confident, let us have Yet another area exactly where American Gentlemen can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: present Absolutely everyone a suite within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he should stop using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Trump Tower Damascus Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from Place, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after locating the creating's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Attributes


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting awareness from Worldwide investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where my PTSD may have flip-down company."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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